


Fools Rush In

by Stariceling



Category: Big Wolf on Campus
Genre: Dialogue-Only, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-28
Updated: 2012-06-28
Packaged: 2017-12-06 04:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/731597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stariceling/pseuds/Stariceling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An all-dialogue scene. Tommy tries to give Merton a little 'experience' to help him get a date, and learns something himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fools Rush In

"You know, you kind of suck at this."

"Oh _thanks,_ Tommy. And for the record, you're not doing so hot in the 'supportive' category right now."

"I didn't mean that! I just can't believe you haven't had any practice with-"

"I've had plenty of practice! In fact, I had a date just last week, which is more than you can say. Oh yeah, who spent their Saturday night alone? Not Merton J. Dingle, that's who."

"Because I spent last weekend keeping your new 'girlfriend' from sucking your soul out through your mouth!"

"Hey, at least she had good taste."

"Besides, I don't think it really counts as 'alone' if I spent the night looking after you. It's not like I was sitting around just-"

"Well it sure wasn't a date, either."

"Like it matters? I mean, one dateless weekend is not going to kill me."

"What about two?"

"Just drop it. I told you I was taking a break from dating."

"Then what is this?"

"An experiment."

". . ."

"Don't look at me like that! You like experiments. You're always performing them on me."

"That's different! At least I never question your sexuality!"

"I'm not questioning it! I just thought it might be better to. . . give you some more options."

"I keep telling you, I am not _that_ desperate!"

"Okay, sorry. I take it you didn't like it, then."

"I didn't say that!"

"Oh?"

"It's not that I liked it, I-Tommy quit looking at me like that-I just meant it wasn't terrible. I mean, the dog breath aside, you aren't that bad. And you should know the growling really ruins the mood because then I have to worry if you're going to bite me or something. But in spite of all that you're actually pretty good with the. . . Okay, fine! You're a good kisser! You're great! You can be the sexy sultan of snogging if you want, just stop glowering at me!"

"I wasn't growling!"

"Yeah, you were. At about the time you shoved me down if I remember correctly. And I'll have you know I think I'm going to have a great bruise on my tailbone as testament to that."

"Sorry about that. I guess I got a little carried away."

"Yeah, I'll say you did. You know, I still don't get how you think shoving your tongue halfway down my throat-"

"I did not go that far!"

"Look, all I'm saying is that the only thing we have established today is that you're a good kisser. Can we please get to the part where this actually gets your lonely pal a date, because I'm pretty clueless on how that's supposed to work."

"Well I knew you had a big crush on that Erik McIntyre guy-"

"Oh no. No-no-no! Let the record state that I had no such thing. That was nothing more than a bit of innocent hero worship. It was not anything resembling a crush! Besides, I'm completely over it now."

"Yes you did. You had it bad."

"No I did not! I knew how much you hated the guy. I would never do that to you!"

"It's okay, Merton. I'm over it."

"Over hating him? Or over me hypothetically having a crush on him? Not that I did. Because I didn't!"

"Okay. I believe you. I just thought, if you could have a crush on him-"

"Which I didn't."

"Which you didn't. Fine. Never mind."

"Hey, wait! Aren't you going to tell me your master plan?"

"Look, the point is, you know that starting halfback, Chris? Well he's been making eyes at you for a while now, and I just thought. . . here's one guy who's been interested in you that isn't trying to carve your brain out or eat you or something. I just thought if you could have a normal relationship-"

"Normal? What do you mean, normal? You realize you just put a year's worth of wedgies in an all new and disturbing light right there? Thanks, but I think I'll skip the domestic abuse."

"He what!? Okay, new plan. I'm keeping you the hell away from Chris."

"Yeah, try keeping him away from me! That guy has an unhealthy fascination with my ass! Though maybe he has a point there. . . I never thought of it as being particularly grab-able, but apparently. . . hm."

"Don't tell me you're flattered."

"Here, Tommy, grab right here and tell me what you think."

"I think it's really weird that you want my hands all over your butt."

"You're the one who wanted to start the queer experiments, just tell me what you think-eep! Tommy, not so hard!"

"Fine. You're right. It's very. . . grab-able. Now what?"

"You know, I actually have no idea. Why are you so interested in setting me up with guys all of a sudden?"

"I just want to see you happy with someone. And since you just haven't been having luck with girls, I thought-"

"Oh, I know what this is about! And you said you were taking a break from dating."

"This is not a date, I just thought if you liked-"

"Think about it for a second, Tommy! The kissing, your jealousy over Erik, the fact that you're still groping my ass! You want me, don't you?"

"That's not it! I told you I was taking a break from dating because I keep. . . you know, wolfing out."

"That's funny, because you've been laying on top of me for ten minutes now and apart from that growl-"

"That's different!"

"Different how? I mean, I'm not expecting flowers or anything, but-"

"No, I meant you always help me calm down, so of course I'm not freaking out."

". . ."

"Oh, come on. What did I do now?"

"Nothing. I'm just trying to decide if I should be flattered or offended when you say things like that. I'm getting the feeling you just think I'm- mmpf!"

"Mmm."

"Un. . . you didn't have to do that."

"Yeah, I think I did."

"Look, Tommy, your distraction tactics aren't going to get you off the hook that easily this time! Sooner or later I'm going to be immune to your little. . . kiss-fu powers so you better enjoy it while it lasts!"

"Kiss-fu?"

"Yeah, but sooner or later I'm going to learn all your secrets if you keep that up, so-"

"Kiss-fu!?"

"How else am I supposed to describe that little thing you do with your tongue? Hey! Don't you laugh, it's an accurate description! You know you just blew your claim at not having the hots for me with that little stunt!"

"Is that so?"

"Oh yeah! Once you can call an experiment, but after that. . . you're just coming back for more because you like it."

"Merton, this is ridiculous. You're my best friend, I would never-"

"Pin me to the couch and kiss me? Grope my ass? How about get into a jealous snit at the idea of me being set up with another guy. That seems really improbable now, doesn't it?"

"I'm only working with the best intentions here. It's not like I'm trying to seduce you or anything. I just want to see you happy, Merton, jeez!"

"Is that all? Huh. Chris is the blond guy, right? Kinda sweaty? Cute in that 'too many muscles' Rocky Horror way?"

"Don't you dare."

"So stop me, Tommy."

"You got a new rack, right?"

"Not like that! Distract me, Tommy. Get those lips working double time and make me forget other guys exist. You know you want to. Or you could just, you know, admit you like me."

"You really want me to, don't you?"

"That would be why I'm still here. So, what's it going to be? Kiss-fu?"

"You need to stop calling it that."

"Mmm. . . Only if you don't stop doing it."

". . . Deal."

[Silence.]


End file.
